Some gifted children think about very heavy matters at an early age. They may become preoccupied by illness, death, war, or even the existential aloneness of the human condition long before they have the cognitive abilities to put these kinds of ideas into perspective. Their worries and fears can become exacerbated when adults are thinking and talking about war, or terrorism, or natural disasters such as the devastating earthquake and tsunami in Indonesia and southeast Asia. These feelings can become even more troubling if they try to share their thoughts with others and discover that their peers are happily focused on their daily lives or that adults don’t want to discuss ideas like this with them. Putting their apprehensive thoughts into words can be difficult for them, and not finding anyone who shares their concerns can leave children feeling even more isolated and troubled than before.
No matter what the child’s age, temperament, ability, or concerns, the optimal attitude for parents and teachers is one of listening actively and sensitively, and also of ensuring that the child is experiencing a secure, predictable, and dependable environment. The younger and more exceptional the child, the more important is this principle of flexible responsivity to individual development within a context of nurturing support.
Sometimes children have intense reactions to political situations, nature’s wrath, or outbreaks of war or illness, and they require help making sense of what has happened. There are many ways that parents and teachers can provide support and comfort to children during times of adversity, when everyone’s anxiety is heightened and emotional responses are unpredictable.
Open communication between home and school is important because both bases are influential in shaping children’s perceptions. Parents and teachers are encouraged to listen to children’s questions, to value their opinions, and to show a genuine interest in their concerns. This means being ready, willing, and able to consider issues sensitively and honestly, responding with only as much detail as the child is able to handle. Children’s cognitive levels and resources differ with age, development, and personal experience, and adults need to be attuned to this if they are to support their children’s emotional well-being most effectively.
Children who are worried about war, political maneuvering, natural disasters, or health epidemics can be helped to focus on what they can do, rather than becoming fixated on finding solutions that are beyond their capacity due to their age and expertise. Emphasizing the joys within the world, focusing on the resilience of people, and discussing the importance of tolerance and relationship-building can all help. Parents and teachers should take stock of their own feelings about a particular subject or situation before attempting to address children’s concerns. Trying to explain the difference between good and bad leadership, regimes, policies, or processes can be difficult even for adults when frightening imagery is flashing across television screens and echoing in everyone’s ears. Children, who cannot be expected to understand all the complexities and motivations that are involved, need to be assured that there is still reason and goodness in the world and that these provide the foundation of their lives.
At a time when emotions run high, children can be helped to develop the skills necessary to manage their feelings and to acquire greater emotional stability. They should be encouraged to play and to continue with those activities that provide some relaxation and a balance in their lives, and also helped to understand that that does not mean that they don’t care about the people who are suffering or dying. They can be asked to write down their thoughts in journal form, or to paint what they are thinking, to act it out dramatically, or to try to express it musically. What they produce can be for sharing or not, as the child prefers. The opportunity to express their feelings in a safe and supportive environment can be calming and cathartic, as it helps alleviate their confusion.
Discussion can also be effective but is best engaged in when children are able to process ideas. Try to have conversations at times when everyone is relatively relaxed and not overly wrought. Create a comfortable space and ample time for open dialogue and respectful listening. When children are deeply troubled by what is happening and cannot be calmed, it can be helpful to consult with a professional who has some expertise in working with highly intelligent children.
Adults who interact with children should strive to be calm and balanced themselves. Continued nurturing and ongoing attentiveness to daily needs and schedules are more constructive for children than a constant focus on conflict, violence, or human suffering. Some strategies for adults to use in helping children cope during times of foreboding include the following:
- Acknowledge that there are troubles in the world.
- Listen to the children in your life. Listen patiently and attentively to their concerns and uncertainties.
- Make sure that they feel listened to.
- Encourage them to express their feelings, concerns, and ideas for solutions in a variety of ways.
- Break problems down into smaller, more comprehensible components.
- Focus on positive aspects. Consider how aspects of troubling circumstances are being productively addressed.
- Maintain and model a healthy acceptance of oneself and diverse others. Do not demonize whole nations or religions.
- Stay attuned to what is going on in the child’s world.
- Be sensitive and responsive. Try to maintain your sense of humor.
- Be patient.
- Be trustworthy. Now is a time when security and predictability matter more than ever.
- Be anticipatory without hovering unnecessarily.
- Help children to realize and accept their limitations. They are only children and cannot be expected to fix major or global problems.
- Help them set productive and reasonable goals about what they can and cannot do about the circumstances.
- Respect and value their curiosity-driven learning. Show interest in and acceptance of it.
- Honor and nurture children’s sensitivity. Although it can make life more uncomfortable sometimes, it is a valuable commodity in our world.
- Be honest, but at the same time, keep explanations at a suitable level, commensurate with the child’s intellectual ability and emotional competence.
- Encourage the building of emotional intelligence. Model good coping mechanisms yourself, and send positive messages that affirm the child’s sense of self.
- Network and communicate with others in children’s lives. Become knowledgeable about resources, support groups, and other possible ways to offer comfort and support.
- Reinforce family ties and friendships. During times of trouble, social support makes all the difference.
- Be available.
- Seek expert psychological guidance if necessary.
By supporting children in better understanding their world, adults can help them manage their feelings and come to terms with frightening circumstances that are beyond their experience and comprehension.
Contact information:
Dona Matthews, Ph.D.
Associate Professor, Special Education
Director, Hunter College Center for Gifted Studies and Education
dmatt@hunter.cuny.edu
www.hunter.cuny.edu/gifted-ed
Joanne Foster, Ed.D.
Department of Human Development and Applied Psychology
Ontario Institute for Studies in Education of the University of Toronto
jfoster@oise.utoronto.ca
For more information about this and similar topics, you may be interested in our recently published book, Being Smart about Gifted Children: A Guidebook for Parents and Educators (Great Potential Press, 2005), www.beingsmart.ca.
